Unfortunately Mr. Owen did not get to be a homebirth after all, which I thought was totally fine. Then again I thought pretty much anything that involved me being released from the hospital was a plus. You're having an eye lash plucking and eye gouging party? And it's not at the hospital? I am SO there! However, over the last two weeks (TWO weeks!!! Already!!!) I've realized I'm becoming increasingly (as in the opposite of decreasingly, which would be something a normal person would be experiencing...) disappointed with this tid bit of fact. It's almost as if I hadn't realized that this was so and then reality decided to press send on his iPhone with this:
Reality: Hey Jenn, this is reality calling!
Jenn: Oh hey reality, so great to hear from you! FYI my Unicorn Farts came in the mail the other day, so eat that!
Reality: Right... Anyway, I just wanted to take a second to touch base with you re: Owen and all your hopes and dreams via the homebirth. That you didn't have. Because you were at the hospital instead... You ARE aware of this, am I right?
Jenn: Uh... Ofcourse I am.... Yeah... Oh... Ugh... *Insert Wicked Witch melting into a puddle of green ooze scene here*
I don't think I've ever beat myself up after a delivery. I've always been happy with how things went down, and most of all, how things turned out (ie. we got to take home a healthy baby - for which we are forever thankful) and never really thought back on it with anything but those warm fuzzy feelings that you like to replay in your head from time to time. Good stuff. This time I'm disappointed about being referred back to the hospital (thank you pregnancy induced hypertension) for an induction (with my midwives - yay!) and THEN for getting an epidural. I've had one 3 out of 4 previous deliveries, never thought much of it, and now I'm all 'You frigging wuss! What was that about?? If you already feel like you're being ripped in half, what's another 90 minutes of feeling like you're going to be ripped in half?! Honestly!!' which is hurting my psyche. Or whatever. So I'm not sure what those internal affairs are about, but I'll let my mental being and emotional being sort that out. I'm sure we'll all be on the same page in a couple weeks. Or something. I'm also sorting out my emo issues concerning the fact that in four short weeks my midwifery care will come to an end. I, however, am not ready for it to come to an end. Ever. I tried to tell Mr. Pretties about this dilemma this morning but was unable to verbalize these feelings without choking up and getting teary eyed. I decided I'd just talk about it with myself. In my head. Where I probably wont cry about it. Okay, I probably will, but only in my head and I wont feel like a huge tool. So to sum things up, our baby is deliciousness wrapped in a blanket and we are loving on him big time. Unfortunately (wow, this post has a lot of unfortunately's... how unfortunate for you readers!) with each baby we bring home, after I swear I will never care, or deliver another baby, I get one step closer to understanding why the Dugger's have as many children as they do. I am not comfortable with being that close. I'm making an appt with a psycologist, or therapist, or mental ward on Monday to sort through these concerning thoughts. Hopefully they have wifi there so I can tell you about it.
In addition I think I've found my calling in life (luckily this call did NOT come from a small voice inside my head. I don't think). Which is kind of a big deal because I've always had the insecurity of not knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. Except I grew up. Which makes people look at your funny. Or like you suck. Or both. Usually both. I went through school, took something that I knew I could tolerate for the most part and that would pay the bills, and left it at that. I always knew I would eventually go back to school for something, I just wasn't sure what it was yet. There have always been situations I wanted to implement in my life. I am a huge fan of antiques, antiquing, and selling antiques. This is something we still do on the side, and will always be a passion. I believe at some point, possibly years down the line, participating in antique markets will become a reality. I'm excited about that, but now is not the time for this experience. I'm also wildly addicted to anything agricultural. We're going to homestead this house as much as we can, and fully plan to purchase a full out farm in the next couple years. But I feel that homsteading will be a nice counter part to the new plan. I want to go back to university and become a certified midwife. MmmHmm. A midwife. For some reason this option didn't show up in my options booklet back in highschool. Then again, even if it did I doubt it would have earned a second glance from my 18 year old self. Such a true testament to the ever evolution of the human mind and what it holds near and dear. I registered last week to upgrade a few of my science courses and hope to apply next February. Only 30 applicants are admitted to this fabulous program each year, so I'll be crossing my fingers. I think this would be an excellent direction for our family, and compliment all of our other goings on nicely. I've ordered some really great 'memoir of a midwife' type books and cannot wait to read them! And just think, now that we're done building our own family, I could move on to helping others add to theirs (not in the way. obviously) and how glorious that would be! I think preparing to register for a four year program in midwifery is the final peak in becoming crunchy. I think if my 20 year old self met my 28 year old self, she would drop dead. On one level I'm so thrilled that I'm finally coming into, my own, and on another I'm deeply disturbed by just how much one can change in a handful of years (yes, eight years IS a handful!) and truly hope that's all the change I'm going to have for a while.
How's everyone else doing out there? Is everyone still experiencing the early spring, or have you been bombarded by a second wind of winter too? We're expecting snow tonight. Last week I had to go out and buy the LPs new shorts and Ts. I guess the weather needs to come into it's own too ;)
Oh Jenn, give yourself a break and a big pat on the back. You, like so many awesome, too hard working , women I know, second guess themselves too much. Baby is good ? Other pretties good ? Sky is till above your head ? Then realx, cry all you want when you need to and start school or don't. It will be there later as well.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations and well done !!!
Such a lovely photo of your newest arrival. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletePS I think I cried for a couple of weeks after giving birth and over silly little things too! Blamed it on the hormones but things did move into a new normal, one day at a time.
PSS I second what Donna said.