Tuesday, September 9, 2008

For Sale: One Of A Kind Buick, Don't Miss Out...

... Yes I think I'll be placing an ad on Kijiji this afternoon ,it will read as follows:
For Sale: Ooak (one of a kind) Buick Park Avenue Ultra, Super Charged. You've never seen anything quite like this particular autmobile, it's not just for anyone.
*Have you ever seen a Buick that can do an uncanny impression of a Dolphin? No? Well, this Buick does the most realistic Dolphin impersonation you've ever heard, you can practically hear the dolphins answering it from Marineland, it's amazing.
*Do you get tired of wandering around the parking lot looking for your black Buick and having trouble distinguishing it from all the other black vehicles? Yes? Well, with this Buick you can say good-bye to that problem! This Buick is all black, with the exception of a matte grey door handle, allowing you to easily tell the difference between your very special Buick, and the less exciting Buicks of others.
*So many cars now a days have those tacky sun roofs, you know, the kind that open and allow an annoying breeze in to mess up your hair, who needs that?! No, no, this Buick has a sky light. Yup, a genuine window in the roof that does not open. It's really quite brilliant. Want to check the weather outside? See if the birds have been crapping on your roof? Simply need to catch up on your sun tanning while you drive? Then you need an original Buick sky light! Feeling kind of gloomy? Don't feel like basking in the sun? No problem, it has a cover and you can just cover it right up and pretend it doesn't exist, problem solved!
*Now as you know most Ooak items have some kind of special marking that marks it as a genuine Ooak item. This Buick is no different! On the passenger door it has what we like to call a 'birth mark' on the bottom right hand corner. Some would simply call it a rusty patch, but that is just not the case! No two rusty patches... I mean 'birth marks' are ever the same, making this an absolute one of a kind, you friends will be green with envy.
*Do you have trouble deciding whether it's time to roll up your window or not? Worry no more! This Buick takes needless worrying right out of your hands, not only does the driver's side window go up and down, it also decides when it's going to go up and down for you! Sometimes it doesn't go back up for days at a time, giving you plenty of luxurious hours decision free!
*Do you hate having a defrosted rear window in those cold winter months? Well, need I say more? This Buick's rear defogger doesn't even work, you'll never have to have one of those pesky clear rear windows again! Say so long to having to view the drivers behind you picking their nose, you wont see them and they wont see you, it doesn't get much better than that folks!

All of this grand luxury can be yours for $7999.00. That's a steal considering this Buick is practically an antique at it's ripe old age of 11 years. Not only is it an antique, it's also got more driving experience than most vehicles on the road! This Buick has seen 290,000 km in it's 11 years, it knows the roads better than anyone around, it can practically drive itself where you need to go.
Now as I said, this car isn't just for anyone. This car needs an owner who's not lazy and has mechanical know-hot. The cup holders in this Buick do not hold cups securely, so you need to be a do-it-yourself type and hold you own, unless you enjoy wearing it. Also, the gas gauge doesn't work, the door handle sticks, the intake manifold leaks oil, the super charger barings are crapping out, two hub caps are missing, the gas needs to be open from the inside of the trunk, and the tires are bald. You will need to be able to fix these yourself, and you'll have a blast doing it! You'll also need to be a fan of global warming and pollution as this Buick probably isn't going to pass emissions this year either, so you'll want to drive off into the sunset leaving a trail of holes in the ozone layer together :)
Don't wait to contact me a this offer wont last long, vehicles like this don't come about everday!

Uh huh. That is Mr. Pretties' Buick, you know, the 'luxury-pain-in-the-ass' I talked about? Today we were supposed to go sign the papers for our new Buick LeSabre. It was a sexy bitch folks. Now don't get me wrong, the Park Ave was a sexy bitch in it's time, I really debated marrying the Buick instead of Mr. Pretties, it was a tough call. We had a happy relationship for several lovely years, until the gas hike. Now everyone is suffering from the gas hike, that you know. What you don't know is that the Buick is a snob. A gas snob. You can not. I repeat, can not fill it's tank with regular gas. You can not fill it's take with the next best. No, this Buick requires the best of the best, you know, the gas the costs .30+ cents more a litre than all the rest? This Buick will cough, sputter, and just about die if you try to fill it with anything less. This is where or relationship took a turn for the worse. We really started harbouring resentment when we had to stop eating in order to satisfy it's high-end gas consuming needs. We tried counselling and were making progress, until it thought it was acceptable behaviour to start falling apart and costing us $500 a month, four months in a row. It just wasn't going to work, we needed to seperate immediately.

This brings us to today. Today was to be a glorious day. A long awaited day. A day Mr. Pretties took of work simply because it was so special. Today we were to go sign the papers for this beautiful baby:

Mr. Pretties and I had even agreed that we could each take turns smashing 'Mater' (the old Buick) with a sledge hammer. It would feel soooo good and would probably be therapeutic. Then we'd donate it to a fruit farm where they'd cut it in half, attach a flat bed to the back and use it as a farm vehicle to haul fruit baskets.

The new Buick was an excellent deal, had an excellent warranty, and was my practically my sole mate. Was being the operative word. Mr. Pretties wussied out and decided it was too expensive and not the right time to buy another car (The right time being when 'Mater' dies a slow painful death, potentially when we're in the middle of nowhere with three children). Clearly our $500 a month fixing costs are less than the $260 monthly payment this Buick would cost... Yeah, Mr. Pretties went to the Dyslexic school of math obviously. Mr. Pretties is also on my list of people who need a kick in the ass. I'm currently sitting on a very large bag of 'I-Told-You-So' which I'm saving for when 'Mater' craps out in the middle of winter and Mr. Pretties has to get his sorry self to work in 3' of snow on a cold, wet bus. Beside that bag of 'I-Told-You-So' is a big bag of 'You're-Going-To-Regret-This' as well as a smaller bag of 'You-Suck'. You would think Mr. Pretties would have figured out by now that Mrs. Pretties is always right. Always. When Mrs. Pretties says we should do something there's a 99.999% chance that she's right and that you should get right on it. If, however, you do not go along with her suggestion you face a 99.999% chance of being horribly wrong, have to hear 'I told you so' over and over, as well having to walk around with both your tail between your legs and egg on your face. Evidently he hasn't figured that out just yet, or he has an odd being wrong fetish. I'll be sure to post pictures of his egg face in a few weeks no doubt. That'll give you something to look forward to, and if you know someone in need of a OOAK Buick please direct them way :)


  1. hahahahahahahaha. Simply put...your HILARIOUS!!! LMAO

  2. ROFL Good luck!

    Oh and I replied on my own blog about the layout.

    Oh and one last thing... I never got the hair pretties either. I know you've been more than busy, but I just wanted to let you know!